Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
