That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
