Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
