i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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