sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
