The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
