dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
