hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
