Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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