If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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