either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
