Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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