tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Randomize
