i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
