great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
