I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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