we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
