it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
