Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
