I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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