the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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