So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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