Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
