I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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