I puked a lego.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
