Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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