Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize