His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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