we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Randomize
