i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
