first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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