i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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