She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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