I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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