Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
