i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
