I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
