she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
