Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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