So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
