Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
