I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
