Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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