please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
