she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
