I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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