i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Boobs speak an international language.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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