My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Randomize
