new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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