So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
