Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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