You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
