Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
