He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
