Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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