He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
